i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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