You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
