I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
