I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
