my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
