Pregnant stripper...not hot.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
FUCK WHALES
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
