Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
