I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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