I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
