Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You are the jesus of drinking
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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