just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize