my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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