my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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