the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
