beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
