Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Randomize
