I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
