I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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