i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
