fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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