mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
