It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
