Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
