This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
