One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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