I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
