I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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