i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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