There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
