After last night, I could never be a politician.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You can't special order awesome
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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