I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
