How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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