My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
