I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
