if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
