Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he laminated a picture of his dick.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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