Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
