I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
