Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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