Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
