worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
