just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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