so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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