I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
