Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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