i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
