Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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