Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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