I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
