you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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