You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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