He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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