So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
