Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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