They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
