Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
