My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
